The Secret Testimony of Y'hudah Ben Shim 'on
by American Companion
Summary: A look at what Judas's thoughts may have been during his time with Jesus, mostly at Gethsemane. All names are in Hebrew, as are many places.


She stood at the corner, waiting for the school bus to arrive. Today was going to be another long day, preceded and followed by a long bus ride. All she really wanted to do was stay home, but her parents wouldn't let her. They said she needed to be with people and learn social skills. _As if._ she thought to herself as she watched and felt the rain fall. _I don't really like people. Anyway, I'm not even in high school yet. I'll learn when they send me to boarding academy. I know how to act in public, so I don't need people. _

The bus came around the corner and stopped in front of her. The doors opened with a whoosh, and she climbed in. There weren't many kids on, as yet, but she knew that would change. Taking a seat near the back, but not all the way in the back, she set her bag next to her. _Not that anyone will sit by me anyway. _As the bus started to roll again, she leaned her head against the window. Her mind drifted back to the Sabbath school lesson.

It had been about Jesus' night in the Garden of Gethsemane. They had learned the Hebrew versions of all the names, and a few places. It had helped the story feel real. Her forehead wrinkled briefly. _I wonder how others felt at the time. We focused only on Jesus-Yeshua, as he was called then- and His anguish. I wonder how the others felt. Like Judas-I mean, Y'hudah from K'riot. I like Judas Iscariot's Jewish name. Feels meaner. No, more like a person with feelings. I wonder how he felt that night? _As the rain fell and the bus moved along its route, she let her mind wander 2011 years into the past, to a country an ocean away, to a man the present world seemed to hate.

* * *

><p>Year 0 by Prophecy<p>

Year 3 of the Rabbi's Ministry

Year 3761 by Creation

Time: Early morning

Place: Outside Yerushalayim

Though papyrus is an expensive thing, I felt it necessary to write this out before my death. It is my testimony, the story of my time with the Rabbi. I will not consume your time with the details of my 3 year sojourn with the Rabbi, but I must tell of my own grievous mistake at the end of my time with Him.

When I first saw Him, I recognized directly by the way He spoke that He was destined to be a great man. _Perhaps_, I thought to myself, _He is even the Messiah King, the Great Lion of the Tribe of Y'hudah_. I asked Him if I could join His talmid in following Him. Though He tried to dissuade me, I refused to be turned away. So, He let me travel with Him and 11 others. I even gained the position as treasurer, though I did not hold the title well. I stole from the money bag, which made his tales of loving money more than El hit close to home.

Though I was unsure at first whether or not He was actually the Messiah, I was soon positive of Him. He had the charisma, voice, and bearing of a leader, and He was able to rally thousands of people together. He was able to feed them, too. He preformed miracles, including driving out demons, healing leprosy, and even raising people from the dead! I was certain that He was the man who would drive out the Romans, destroy all Gentile races, and put Himself up as the Ruler of the World, with all of Israel backing Him.

Unfortunately, all He seemed to do was talk about peace, loving each other-including those from Shomron-His death, the prophets' deaths, how evil the Sanhedrin were, etc. etc. etc. In fact, it seemed the only thing He DIDN"T talk about was overthrowing Rome!

After 3 years, I had had enough. He had been particularly morose, constantly talking about the 'olam haba, the world to come, end time. The only hint I had had of His kingdom and our rule was His triumphal entry into Yerushalayim. The entire city was there, waving palm branches and laying down their coats for Him. I was certain He was going to go to the Sanhedrin to plan the attack on the Romans. This thought was only reaffirmed by Him walking up to the temple.

However, when we got inside, He became furious. He picked up a piece of knotted rope and started flailing around with it! He broke cages, turned over money changing tables, and yelled to everyone that they had turned the temple into a den of thieves! That little episode certainly didn't help affirm Him as a good military leader in my eyes.

About a week later, one of the men the Rabbi had healed of leprosy invited us to go to his house for the evening meal. It was a grand affair, with the best food, entertainment, wine, and decorations money could buy. The only two flaws to the evening were that the Rabbi wasn't given the best seat, and that that woman came and horribly embarrassed us all.

The woman was a well known "woman of the city", and we all knew how unclean she was. No one noticed her, at first. Then a wonderful, but sickly, smell started to drift around the room, mingling with the other scents. We turned and saw the woman pouring an entire jar of spikenard on the Rabbi's head!

I was the first to speak up. "Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for a years wages and the money given to the poor!" Others in the room spoke out against her. She started to look like she was a trapped animal, when the Rabbi spoke in her defense.

"Let her be. Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing for me. For you will always have the poor with you; and whenever you want to, you can help them. But you will not always have me. What she could do, she did do - in advance she poured perfume on my body to prepare it for burial…"

He said more after this, but I was too angry to hear it. _There He goes again!_ I thought to myself. _Talking about His death! Well, I'm tired of it. I'm going to talk to the Sanhedrin, and start the reign of the Rabbi! I will force Him to take His throne!_

That night, after the rest of the talmid were sleeping, I got up quietly to go to the Sanhedrin, as I knew they would still be up. After speaking to one of the L'vi'im, I got a chance to speak with Kayafa himself.

"What do you want, man? We know who you are. We have seen you with this troublemaker. Have you come to deliver more insults?"

I bowed differentially. "No, cohen gadol. I have come with an offer. What will you pay me if I hand Yeshua over to you?"

All of the Sanhedrin gasped. What I had just said was as surprising as it was traitorous. I felt no remorse at the time.

"You would hand Him over to us? Just like that? Why?"

A dark voice in me told me to keep silent about my reason. "You don't need to know. All you need to do is tell me how much you will pay."

After they talked together for a few minutes, Kayafa turned to me. "We will pay 30 pieces of silver, after you hand Him over. Are we agreed?"

Though I had hoped for more, I decided not to push it. I would undoubtedly get more money from the Rabbi Himself for forcing Him to take His rightful place.

"We are agreed. I will come to you when I find a good time."

After making a covenant with Kayafa, I hurried back to the others.

When the time came for the Pesach feast, the Rabbi sent two of the others to get a room for us. We found the place easily enough, and everything was set up, but no servants came to wash our feet. While we were each waiting for one of the others to do it, the Rabbi got up, took off His coat, tied a towel around His waist, and started washing our feet. I was getting more and more pleased with my choice every minute!

All of our feet were washed except mine. Shim'on Kefa fussed a bit, and then Rabbi said some blather about how He was serving as we should serve. It only served to anger me further. He was a King! The King! Kings had servants, they didn't become them!

Shortly into the meal, Rabbi told us He would be betrayed by one of us. I asked Him, in order to cast suspicion away from me if I were the betrayer. He looked at me and told me that I was! In front of everyone! I got up quickly and stormed out. How dare He say it in front of everyone! How could He? Didn't He know I did it for His own good?

At least, that was what I thought at the time.

I went straight to the Sanhedrin. They had soldiers on hand, and Kayafa had his servant go with us. I knew that Rabbi would take the other talmid to Gat Shi'manim, close to the Mount of Olives, so that's were I took my small army. Before we got there, I stopped and turned towards the group.

"Do not attack on first sight. The one I kiss is the man you want-grab Him!"

When we got to the garden, Rabbi was standing with the other talmid. He watched as we approached.

I went straight up to Him, said, "Shalom, Rabbi!" and kissed Him. He looked at me, His eyes telling me that His heart was breaking.

"Friend, do what you came to do."

Instantly, the guards surged forward to bind the Rabbi, but Shim'on Kefa pulled out his sword and swung. The soldiers weren't hit, but Kayafa's servant's ear was cut off. Rabbi turned to Shim'on Kefa and spoke.

"Put your sword back where it belongs, for everyone who uses the sword will die by the sword. Don't you know that I can ask my Father, and He will instantly provide more than a dozen armies of angels to help me? But if I did that, how could the passages in the Tanakh be fulfilled that say it had to happen this way?"

He picked up the servants ear, and put it back on the man's head. Turning to the rest of us, He spoke again.

"So you came out to take me with swords and clubs, the way you would a leader of a rebellion? Every day I sat in the Temple court, teaching; and you didn't seize me then. But all this has happened so that what the prophets wrote may be fulfilled."

As if they were following a pre-arranged signal I knew nothing off, all of the talmidim scattered. The guards tied us Rabbi and took Him to Kayafa. I watched them leave, then walked into the city.

For the rest of the night, I sat by myself, contemplating what I had done.

* * *

><p>The next morning, I heard that Rabbi had been condemned. I felt grief and remorse flood through me. I grabbed the 30 pieces of silver and ran to the Sanhedrin.<p>

"I sinned in betraying an innocent man to death." I told them.

Kayafa looked at me with disgust. "What is that to us? That is your problem."

Rage filled me for an instant. I threw the money at them, screaming, "Take it back! Take all of it back! It is now covered in innocent blood!" Tears squeezing from my eyes, I turned and ran.

Now I come to where I am now. Everything has been set up: there is a strong tree, a long drop, and a rope. I have only to bring this testimony to a close. I plan to seal it in a jar and leave it in a hollow at the tree's base. I hope someone will find it, read it, and learn from my mistake. I have betrayed and forsaken my Rabbi. I have sent Him to His death. I deserve no less.

I thought I was doing the right thing. I was certain of the outcome. I was wrong.

Yeshua, Yeshua, why did I do it!


End file.
